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May/June 2024
Self-compassion and self-esteem are deeply interconnected aspects of a teenager's well-being. Self-compassion, the practice of being kind and understanding towards oneself, lays the foundation for healthy self-esteem by fostering a sense of worthiness and acceptance. As parents, nurturing both self-compassion and self-esteem in our teenagers is essential for their overall development and resilience.
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As there is too much information information to cover in one Snapshot, we have addressed self-esteem in the middle school Snapshot, and self-compassion in the secondary Snapshot. We encourage parents to read both, as they hold relevance for both age groups.
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Self-esteem is the way we think and feel about ourselves. When we have high self-esteem, we:
- feel good about who we are most of the time
- believe in ourselves, and our qualities and strengths
- believe we are worthy and deserving of all the good things in life, including love, kind friends and fun experiences
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| Having good self-esteem is not about being happy all the time, or always feeling confident. We all have bad days and negative thoughts sometimes. But when we have good self-esteem, we’re more able to move on from these feelings by being kind to ourselves and asking for support.
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EXAMPLES OF HIGH SELF ESTEEM
- having a generally positive image of yourself
- believing you matter
- feeling confident about your strength
- feeling proud of your achievements
- not feeling too worried or upset about things you cannot do so well
- believing you have good things to offer other people – for example believing you are a kind, good or interesting friend
- believing your opinions and views matter, and are worth hearing
- feeling able to try new things or give something a go
- having a kind and understanding inner voice when things go wrong
- being kind to yourself when you’re having a hard time, including doing self-care and giving yourself a break
- feeling positive or comfortable most of the time about your body and how it looks
| EXAMPLES OF LOW SELF ESTEEM
- having a more negative image of yourself, you might sometimes feel bad, ugly, unlikeable or stupid
- having a lack of confidence in your qualities and strengths, or feeling you’re not good enough
- finding it difficult to feel proud of things, or often feeling you should have done better
- having a more negative inner voice when things are hard – for example telling yourself you ‘should not’ have made a mistake
- feeling more cautious about doing new things or giving something a go
- putting yourself down, for example by saying ‘I’m stupid’ or ‘I can’t do that’
- comparing yourself to others in a negative way
- feeling negative or uncomfortable about your body and how it looks
- doubting whether you are worthy and deserving of being valued, listened to, loved or cared for
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For middle school students |
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Your child's self-esteem will naturally go through ups and downs at different points. Going through big changes like starting a new school or moving to a new area can affect a child’s confidence. But with support, they can usually get through this and feel okay again.
Sometimes, however, a young person can experience low self-esteem over a longer period of time. This can make it harder for them to look after their mental health. It may leave them struggling with things like low mood or anxiety.
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This can happen when a young person hears negative messages about themselves from other people. These could come from a parent, relative, peer, teacher, sibling or through social media. These messages can have a big impact because a young person develops their opinion of themselves through the way they are treated in their formative years.
The types of messages that damage
self-esteem include:
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- being called labels or names like ‘stupid’, ‘ugly’, ‘bad’ or ‘weird’
- being criticized when you make mistakes
- being put under too much pressure to succeed or do everything well, or only being noticed when you achieve something
- seeing lots of images about what a ‘beautiful’ or ‘attractive’ person looks like, when this person looks different to you
- being criticized when you struggle with schoolwork
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| Feeling singled out due to aspects of one's identity can significantly affect self-esteem. This can include individuals with conditions like autism, ADHD, or dyslexia. Similarly, Black and minority individuals may encounter negativity about their cultural heritage or appearance, leading to feelings of inadequacy. LGBTQIA+ individuals might struggle with discrimination related to their sexual orientation or gender identity, impacting their sense of self-worth.
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If your adolescent is feeling low about themselves, these are some of the signs you might notice:
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- saying negative things about themselves
- making negative comments about their appearance
- making negative comments about things they’ve done
- comparing themselves negatively to other people
- withdrawing, avoiding social situations and activities
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- seeming low in their mood, showing less interest in things
- avoiding trying new things, or worrying a lot about doing something new
- seeming anxious when they make a mistake, or not being able to move on
- giving themselves a hard time when things don’t go as planned
- turning to coping mechanisms like self-harm, alcohol or drugs
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| Video - Self Esteem in the Age of Social Media
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Starting a conversation with your adolescent can sometimes present challenges, yet it can often be a turning point. Talking things through can help them to feel like they are less alone. When parents have insights into their adolescent's experiences, they are better equipped to offer meaningful support. Despite the difficulty, it is important to gently check in with your child when you observe signs of struggle, ensuring they feel heard and supported. Following are some tips for doing so:
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Check in while doing an activity together. This can help them to relax by making it feel like less of a ‘big chat’. You could go for a walk, cook or bake, or do something creative together. Start with an ‘I’ phrase, you could say:
- 'I’ve noticed that you’re staying in your room a lot at the moment. Is everything okay?'
- 'I thought you seemed kind of upset the other day. Is there anything going on?'
- 'I’ve been thinking about how upset you were last night about your homework. Can we have a chat about it?'
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Don’t be disheartened if it doesn’t go well right away. Remember not to give up if they don’t want to talk the first or second time you try. Keep giving them opportunities and let them know you’re there when they’re ready. If they cannot talk in person at the moment, you could try texting or emailing instead.
Focus on listening and understanding their perspective. Avoid trying to fix everything straightaway or getting them to take a particular action. This can leave them feeling pressured or judged. Instead, empathize with how things are going, and let them know it’s understandable to feel the way they do.
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Find out if anything in particular is happening. If it’s something like bullying or abuse, take steps to make sure it stops. These types of experiences will continue to negatively affect their self-esteem. They will not be able to recover while it’s still happening.
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Help them to understand their feelings and accept them without judgment. Knowing that you’re on their side, and that you will not judge them, helps them feel okay about finding things difficult. If they find it hard to express their feelings, it can help when you wonder aloud about what might be happening. For example you could say, ‘I’m wondering if you might be feeling upset/worried/sad because…
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For middle school students |
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Following are some suggestions on how you can nurture your adolescent's self-esteem and help them thrive with confidence and resilience.
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- Tell them how much you love them and what makes them special to you. (‘You were so kind and supportive to your friend when they were having a hard time this week’.)
- Encourage them to be themselves and show you value who they are, not what they do. Get them to teach you about their interests and show how much you value their opinion.
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- Encourage them to do the things that help when they are struggling. (‘I noticed how calm you seemed yesterday after you’d gone for a walk with your headphones. It seemed like that really helped’.)
- Encourage them to give things a try and demonstrate that you believe in them. (‘Oh! I don’t know if that turned out how you were expecting. Well done for giving it a go though, I’m so proud of you. It was really hard but you did it!’.)
- Help them discover their identity, qualities, strengths, as well as their sense of belonging. Look for local groups or clubs where they can meet like-minded people.
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| How Do I Build My Kids’ Confidence and Self-Esteem? How do you build confidence in kids? How do you lay the groundwork for better self-esteem? What age does confidence start to plummet in girls? Dr. Lisa and Reena tackle these questions, explain where self-esteem comes from, and cover how parents can help children feel good about themselves.
LISTEN TO PODCAST
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| This poster emphasizes the importance of self-acceptance, self-esteem, and self-love for middle school students. It highlights the crucial message that their own opinion of themselves matters more than seeking validation from others. Focusing on self validation over other people's opinion, sets the foundation for healthy self-esteem, which can significantly enhance overall well-being.
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WRAPPING UP THE YEAR WITH APPRECIATION FOR OUR PARENTS! This is the final Snapshot for the school year! Throughout the year we delved into the role of nurturing connections and community in your children's lives. In today's fast-paced digital world, the significance of fostering genuine connections cannot be overstated.
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As always, your feedback is important to us, and we welcome any final comments or suggestions you may have. We wish you a fantastic summer ahead!
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Visit the archived Snapshots that cover a variety of topics such as social media, mental health, friendships, bullying, substance use, vaping, consent, conflict resolution and more!
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*The term "parent" as used in the Snapshot is inclusive of anyone who is actively involved in raising a child, whether it be biological parents, adoptive parents, guardians, or any other caretakers.
The content provided through the Snapshots is for informational purposes only. It includes general information and does not specifically address the diverse child rearing challenges parents may encounter. Readers are encouraged to verify information and consider their individual circumstances when making decisions. The content is not a substitute for professional advice.
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